Gateway to the Starr

A reflection...

2009-10-23T01:46:00.002+11:00

Hello friends! Long time, no blog!

I've found myself at a crossroads. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it has occurred to me that life is becoming increasingly uncertain. When I was young, I thought that once you got out of school, you just did some kind of study or training, got a job, and then that would set you up for some semblance of stability. Sure, friends, family, relationships, locations might all change at times, but you had a basic idea of where you were headed. I'm seeing more and more clearly how simplistic and unrealistic that is. I've known it for quite a while, but it's becoming more glaringly obvious as time passes.

At the moment, I'm trying to decide what to do next. I have no idea what to do. None. Absolutely none. Not an ideal situation for one who deals so poorly with uncertainty! But I've been thinking more about the people in the Bible, and how more often than not, their lives didn't turn out the way they may have envisaged. Let me explain with a few examples:

Abraham - he ends up having a son at a very ripe old age. Even though God promises that this will happen, even Abraham doesn't completely believe it until it finally comes to be.

David - the youngest son of Jesse, and nothing more than a shepherd to begin with, his life goes through many twists and turns to eventually become the second king of Israel. His reign was full of ups and downs, joy and utter despair. But in the end, he trusted in God's faithfulness.

Peter - the guy we love to laugh at in the gospels for suffering from chronic foot-in-mouth disease. Who would have guessed that someone who saw Jesus, followed him around, heard him teach countless times, and still didn't get the point of what Jesus was on about, would go on to be one of the most influential men in spreading the gospel? I doubt Peter, who was just an ordinary fisherman, would have ever thought that his life would turn out the way it did. He died as a martyr.

Paul - a man who probably thought he was going to live his life out as a Pharisee. Paul was in the business of persecuting Christians before that day on the road to Damascus when his life was utterly and irrevocably changed. He went on to be another influential man in spreading the news of Jesus. Paul, like Peter, died as a martyr for his faith in Jesus.

Ok, so I'm not going to compare myself too closely with these great figures, but the point is that life, generally speaking, is uncertain. Sure, we spend many hours planning our futures, deciding where we want to study or work, who we want to marry, how many children we might have, where we want to live... but the reality is that we aren't really in control at all. It's just an illusion. God is the one that is in control of our lives. He is the one who decides where we work, where we study, who we marry, how many children we have, where we live, and everything else. We can make plans until our dying day, but there is never any guarantee that things will work out the way we want them to. Events of the unexpected happen all the time, and we don't honestly know what's around the corner - at best, we are taking a guess and presuming that things will turn out the way we think they will.

I am resolved to stop worrying so much about what I'm going to do next. I have no idea what God has in store for me. But I can be confident that whatever that ends up being, I have at least one certainty that I can count on after this life is done. I hope and pray that whatever I do, and wherever I am, God's glory will shine through.

Next time: Success... a developing definition.

Completely Woeful

2009-05-27T23:38:00.002+10:00

My neglect of this blog is shameful, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. Since my last post, which saw the beginning of a brand-spanking-new episode of depression, I have been a bit out of the realm of normality. This time, I ended up being admitted to the Concord Centre for Mental Health for a week and a half, and have spent the last few weeks trying desperately to get back some semblance of normality in my life. God, I think, is trying to teach me patience and also to rely on Him as I stumble through this time having no idea where I may end up. Depression is eternally frustrating for me, and I'm sure it's not exactly fun-filled for those around me either. There is an underlying feeling of guilt in everything, mainly that I am unable to do the things that I want/need/should do, especially when it comes to helping others. I am disappointed that yet another semester may go by where I am no further in my studies, and feel no small amount of grief for the loss of the things I thought I would be able to achieve and succeed in this semester (and not only at uni). It all makes me wonder... can I get through this once again? What is the right balance for me between study/church/friends/family that would prevent me going down this path again? What is it about my thinking and emotional patterns that causes all this?

And the biggest question... is this the way my life is going to continue? A hard won rise in confidence coupled with motivation and energy, followed by a trip to the bottom of the well, sparking yet another arduous climb to the top? Can I break this cycle? If not, can I bear the weight of dealing with this illness for the rest of my life?

Obviously, none of these questions have simple answers. It is difficult to live with uncertainty at the best of times, for anyone, but I think for those of us who have extra hurdles to overcome, that uncertainty can be our undoing as we catastrophise the mights, the might-nots, and the what-ifs.

Needless to say I have some biggish decisions to make about my future over the next few months, but I am learning to be content to get through each day as it comes - some are better than others, and I have to just accept whichever it is each day and respond accordingly. I am trying very hard to find the good things out of each day - sometimes the good things are small victories like getting out of bed and getting dressed, sometimes they are bigger victories like making sure I get to church or Bible study. The thing I am struggling not to do is compare my own little accomplishments to those around me who aren't dealing with things like depression and who can do so much more than me. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by friends and professional support who can remind me of these things and who encourage me to take pride and satisfaction for getting done whatever I am able to. Jesus is working through these people to spur me on, to not let me give up all hope, to know that I am loved and valued regardless of my inabilities.

Anyway, some very cool things have been happening in the last few weeks too, but I shall leave that for the next post.

Oh My!

2009-04-12T13:43:00.002+10:00

I am SO exhausted; emotionally, physically and mentally! I attended Credo's annual Easter Time Conference this weekend, the topic of which was the doctrine of salvation. Seriously, every year I come away with a head completely buzzing with all this new information, and a greater depth and insight into something that I guess I thought I already knew about. It's no wonder people find Bible college so full on when this is the kind of thing you are being bombarded with every day! Credo is so blessed to have had Sam Chan back again for the third year in a row to be the main speaker at the conference - he has such an engaging style and explains things so well, even if the amount of sheer information and depth is a little overwhelming. As always, it's a great time of learning, but it is also a great time of consolidating friendships and making new friends, particularly across the different faculties. But it is also a difficult weekend in many ways - we grapple with these large and complex doctrines while we get more and more exhausted, and it takes the next couple of weeks to really process what it is we actually heard. Tiredness and clear thinking do not go well together, and I reckon almost every person feels emotionally raw at some point or another.

Anyway, I'm back at home now, doing washing so that I can re-pack in order to go to Stroud for 4 days with uni! Can't say I'm really looking forward to camping out in the middle of nowhere, probably in the rain, while most of my friends are on uni holidays, but there's not much I can do about it now. I just need to get through the next week intact, and then I can have a rest. In the meantime, I will persevere and trust that God is looking out for me and that he will give me the strength to keep going even when I feel like I've been beaten. And today of all days, Easter Sunday, I remember that not only is God loving, but He is powerful and mighty enough to defeat death and I have nothing to fear now. If he can raise people from the dead, he can certainly get me through this next week! Hallelujah!

And the fun continues!

2009-03-31T01:36:00.003+11:00

Wow, what a couple of weeks it has been! I had my rather uneventful birthday on the 18th and wasn't feeling too crash hot mood wise, but was looking forward to the gathering my good friend Kat DC and my housemates were putting on for me that weekend. And so on the 21st, the day before my party, I went to pick up one of my housemates from Strathfield and had my first ever car accident! It was completely my fault for looking in the wrong direction at the wrong time for a split second, and I ended up rear-ending the car in front of me. So, that sucked. I was pretty shaken up as you might imagine. I rang up the insurance company and made the claim and did everything I was supposed to do, then booked the car in for an assessment for the following week with the insurance people. Meanwhile, my lovely housemate Christen and Kat DC sent a message around saying that if people wanted to contribute anonymously to the excess when they came to my party, they could. I didn't really expect much, considering most of my friends were uni students, but I thought it was a nice thing for them to organise all the same.

So Sunday came, and even though I was so not in the mood for partying initially, all my friends being there really helped me so much, and I was feeling a bit better by the end. And then they handed me this wad of cash - they had raised over half the insurance excess!! I couldn't believe it! I was just staggered by their generosity, and I praised God for having such amazingly awesome friends who would be willing to put themselves out like that, even though it was my own stupid mistake that landed me there in the first place! Reminded me a lot of the gospel really... an undeserved gift!

The next day, Monday, I woke up with a nasty cold, but still thankful for the day before. That's when things took another turn.

On Tuesday, I took the car in for the assessment. I sat in the sterile waiting room, half watching Ellen on TV and reading OK! magazine glorifying fashion and celebrity. And then the assessor came and got me. And he told me that the car would have to be written off because there was too much damage to be covered by the amount the car was insured for. I was gutted. That car was brought brand new by my Nan and Papa, and had been in the family the whole time. The guy (who seemed very nice) apologised and told me that I needed to clear out all my personal possessions and they would send me home in a taxi. I felt completely numb, like it wasn't really happening. I cleaned out everything I could see and think of, and the guy cave me a couple of Reflex paper boxes to cram everything into, and he called me a cab. I had a nice chat with the taxi driver, trying not to think about what had just happened and the reason I was in the taxi.

I got home and of course called my parents to tell them the bad news. They were pretty startled too, but not angry or anything, just thankful that I was ok (and also that the car was insured, I'd say!). Then Mum told me that Nan's doctor had called - Nan had stopped eating and drinking and taking medication, and the doctor advised the family to come to Wentworth Falls to be with her because she would die soon. They had started her on morphine, so she basically slept the whole time. On Wednesday morning, Mum drove up to the mountains to see Nan. She died that night - she went peacefully and Mum was with her at the time. I think it was a very sad, yet profound experience for Mum. Mum called me and told me Nan was gone. I felt a mixture of utter grief, but also relief... grief for losing her and feeling like I had missed out on really knowing her well because of dementia which had distorted her personality so much; and relief that it was finally over and that the battle was finally through. Not to mention the relief of knowing that Mum would not feel the burden of trying to care for her disabled husband, my Dad, as well as trying to spend as much time as possible with her dying mother who was 3 hours away from home... it had been a real problem for a couple of months and was wearing her down so much.

And so the last few days have been filled with travel to the mountains, many tears, many messages and phone calls, lots of hugs, lots of prayer, a fair bit of feeling lost and lonely, and a lot of just not knowing what to do with myself. In the midst of all that, I had my last Sunday with my PBC family, and have been trying to keep up with uni work (not always successfully either), and find a new car. I will be attending Nan's funeral on Wednesday in Lawson in the mountains, then Thursday will be taken up by uni, then Friday I will be driving to Dubbo with a friend so I can pick up the car I'm buying from a couple of friends of mine who live out there. Then I'll be heading back to Sydney and the craziness will continue into next week with uni and ETC then a 4 day uni excursion... man... I just want to breathe freely for a while, and I just won't have time!

So there you have it. Life is weird, suffering sucks, but God is still so so so good. My friends and church family have been so wonderful and supportive, and I couldn't ask for more. God has looked after me every step of this unfolding mess, and for that, I am so grateful. I have been humbled by the love and kindness and support I have been shown by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I hope they all realise how much I appreciate everything they have done for me during what has been a bit of an ordeal. Thanks everyone. :)

A little bit of news

2009-03-16T00:06:00.002+11:00

It's been a crazy week for me! My mind has been buzzing pretty much non stop as I have been grappling with what I can only describe as a calling of God. I've never really been through something like this before, and now I have new respect for people when they say God has called them to do something they never expected, rather than viewing it with my usual cynical eye! And so, I have made the decision to leave my Petersham Baptist family to start a new adventure in serving God with a new church plant in Newtown called Resolved. I am not leaving PBC because I am dissatisfied - far from it! I love PBC and the wonderful friends I have made there. I have benefited so much from the teaching and love I have received from them, the wisdom of brothers and sisters in Christ, and have had so many good times at PBC. But ever since I met the Resolved team, heard their vision, spoken with the people involved... I have felt a pulling on my heart like I've never felt before. It feels like home, like it's something I'm really being called to be a part of. It's been a tough decision to make as it's hard to leave such an awesome place that I have been committed to for the last 4 and a half years. I know that I won't have as much time and energy to invest into those relationships, and so there is some grief in leaving part of that behind. I guess it can only be described as painful, in the same way it's hard for a young 18 year old after they finish school and set off to move away from their home and family for the first time. But at the same time, I'm excited about being a part of something like Resolved too. There is a real openness and honesty to the people there, a genuine earnestness to be a part of each others lives and struggles, and a sincere love for Christ - a love that they want to share with those who are perhaps not so inclined to set foot in a traditional church building. I think that God has gifted me enough to be of real use in a church like this, and I'm excited (and a little scared and nervous!) about the opportunities that God has in store for me and the rest of the church there. This is me, growing up and maturing in my faith and moving on to something new. If anything, this is a missionary move, and I am going knowing that PBC will still always hold a special place in my heart for all the love and support and wisdom they have given me, and I know that I have their support in this move too. If you want to know what Resolved is on about, you can check out the facebook group here.

Trust

2009-03-04T13:56:00.004+11:00

The last few months have been pretty stressful. I've moved house and started uni. Nan is still hanging on to life and Dad is struggling a lot which is hard on Mum too. Financially, things have been really tight. The rest of the time I have been basically been doing general life admin or trying to sleep (although the sleep has often been unsuccessful). I have had a fairly massive fight with a close friend as well, and I have been very anxious about that, particularly because it doesn't only affect me, but other friends as well. And in the midst of all this, here I was, trying to carry the whole lot, thinking that I needed to plan out my future, do everything for my family myself, fix everyone else's problems as well as my own, somehow find or steal a million dollars, and generally make everything about me.

And so I've come to a crossroads now. With all those burdens, there's no way in the world I would ever be able to manage - worrying about everything was getting me absolutely nowhere. This past week has been a big step for me as I have sought to give all my troubles to God. I have had to repent of the things I have been doing that were, frankly, really ungodly and unbecoming of someone who claims to know Jesus. I feel so much lighter. Of course, I still worry, I still have things I am anxious about, but I am actively trying to trust God with everything that I have knowing that he will look after me, that he will provide me with all I need for a life of love and good works that he has prepared for me. Sure, sometimes I won't get what I want or what I was expecting, but I have to keep trusting that God has it all in his hands, and I have to stop trying to control everything and take it all on myself. Jesus is my King as well as my Saviour, and I need to stop stealing his crown. I may have lost this friend of mine forever, I may be struggling financially for a long time to come, my internship for 2010 may fall through, I may not be able to handle my course load at uni, I may not be able to get to Cowra to look after my Dad so Mum can visit Nan, I might never sleep as much as I really need, and certainly I will continue to stuff up... but it will be ok, because God will not let me go, nor will he abandon me as a hopeless cause. That is so comforting for me - God is in control of everything, and that's all that matters whatever situation I find myself in. I am so thankful for that, and for the brothers and sisters who continue to remind me of that truth.

For Good, Not Evil

2009-01-15T15:37:00.002+11:00

I got rebuked the other day fairly heavily by a friend about the way I use my gift of insight into people to find and highlight their weaknesses. I think he may be right, so I've been thinking through what things I need to be changing in the way I speak and think about people that builds them up rather than tearing them down. As this friend pointed out to me, I am so in tune with my own weaknesses, and even sometimes consumed by them, that it tends to be the first thing I notice in other people. Of course, in my mind, I can also see the good in others, but if I speak about them, it's their problems that I focus on. I need to stop doing that. It's unloving, unkind, and very ungodly. I wonder if I do it because weaknesses and problems are the things that I identify with most in others... I don't know. But I know that it needs to stop, and I need to take this rebuke seriously.

Part 2 - The thing about grief is...

2009-01-12T19:09:00.003+11:00

...that it is horribly unnatural. Death is unnatural. It was never supposed to be this way, but since the Fall of Man, people all over the world have been grieving. We fool ourselves into thinking grief is something natural. We grieve for many things, not just death of loved ones. We grieve for broken relationships, we grieve to see people suffer, we grieve at injustice, we grieve at good people who are served up the most impossibly hard situations, we grieve at abuse, and the all the many things that we gain and then lose. Yes, it is part of what life has been like since that day in Eden, but it's not natural.

My grandmother is nearing the end of her life. She is 91 and has angina, severe asthma and dementia. Two weeks before Christmas she had what we thought was a minor heart attack, however the damage was much more extensive than first thought. Her heart is failing, and it is just a matter of time before she either has another heart attack or goes into system failure, and she will die. The hardest part at this point is the waiting. While my mother has been back and forth between Cowra and the Blue Mountains where Nan is, I have been coming back to Cowra to be with my father and look after him. It has been a very rough month for all of us, especially for my Mum and her brother and sister.

And as for me... well, I have been grieving for Nan too. I have so many regrets when it comes to her. For as long as I can remember, she has been quite a bitter person, especially towards my grandfather. My Papa was an incredibly sweet man, quite eccentric in many ways, and the kind of man who was always happy just to do his own thing - he was always tinkering with watches, listening to his enormous collection of classical vinyl records, pottering around in the little flat that served as his workshop. My grandparents moved up to the Blue Mountains from Sydney when my mother was about 5 because land and houses were cheap, and he would commute into the city everyday for work. Nan, the youngest of 6 children, who had spent most of her life in Lavender Bay, had watched the Harbour Bridge being built and was part of a big, yet close family. She was happy enough to move up to the mountains, and they regularly made the trip down to Sydney to see Nan's family, and Nan kept herself occupied doing clerical work and looking after her children.

As Nan got older, and for as long as I can remember, she started resenting that Papa had taken her away from Sydney. She also gave up driving (no one can really remember why, but I often wonder what might have happened if she hadn't made that decision), and would complain about how she felt like she was stuck in a prison because she couldn't go out by herself. She started resenting that Papa didn't take her anywhere, even though she never actually told him that that was what she wanted to do. All this was probably the start of her dementia, but it was hard hearing your grandmother bitch and moan about your grandfather when he was such a beautiful and generous man. She started living more and more in her memories of Lavender Bay, and it became a kind of Holy Grail to her, as if in that period of her life, everything had been easy and perfect. I found myself resenting her for resenting Papa.

After Papa died in January 2000 from cancer (he was diagnosed and died within 3 months), Nan deteriorated rapidly into dementia. She moved into a hostel in Wentworth Falls after it became clear that she couldn't look after herself. I started to avoid seeing her unless I was with Mum because I couldn't bear to hear her badmouth Papa and talk about how her family didn't love her and how we had abandoned her and how fat I was getting and the constant questions about my (usually non-existent) love life - she knew who I was at that point, and as soon as I came, the complaining and bitching would start. I was angry with her. And I've only just realised how angry I've been. I regret that I didn't try harder with her. I regret that I couldn't attribute her bad attitude to the dementia and just deal with it. I regret that I couldn't talk to her properly. And now she's dying and whenever I visit her, she has no idea who I am. She told me the other day that I was a "lovely lady" and that I had a beautiful smile. It's interesting that that is one of the loveliest things she's said to me, and yet she had no idea who I was when she said it.

Now, she is frail, and she often has no idea where she is. She's scared of dying. And all I feel I can do is watch and regret. It's not fun. I've been doing as much as I can to help Mum so that she can focus on Nan, but there is a limit to how much I can do. And I can't take away the grief that my Mum is going through by losing her mother.

In all of this, I keep thinking about those two passages from Revelation, and that gives me comfort, but it doesn't make the sadness go away completely. But at least I know I can trust in God, the Sovereign Creator, and Jesus who loved the world so much that he died as an atoning sacrifice, and rose to life to defeat death for us all.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
the sun shall not strike them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Revelation 7:16-17

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:3-4

Part 1 - When it rains it pours...

2008-12-16T19:40:00.002+11:00

...and not just metaphorically. It's been pouring west of the Blue Mountains which is awesome (but a pain to have to drive through!). It's funny how you deal with some things while you completely shut other things out. Lately, since the new meds, I feel like I'm playing catch-up - all the things that I've basically not let myself think about because they were too painful to deal with are coming back to haunt me. I can feel things again properly, like a "normal" person, and it has all come flooding back. There are two major people in my life who I have never let myself grieve for, and now it's all happening at once.

The first person is my Dad. As many of you would know, he has Multiple Sclerosis. It's a cruel disease indeed, and over the years, I have been so concerned with how it has affected my parents that I have never really dealt with my own grief after effectively having had my father taken away from me bit by bit since I was 9. I was so young, it's hard for me to simply remember my Dad being my Dad. It's a continuing grief - Dad is not going to pull through this or get better, there is no end in sight for him or for our family. This is the reality that I need to come to terms with. And with God's strength and grace, I will. There is still much to be thankful for, even though my relationship with my father is changing so that I have become like the parent and he the child. God is still good, and that is something I can rely on.

To be continued.

Side effects - the death of Katie's life

2008-10-31T23:13:00.004+11:00

I've been on this new medication, a mono-amine oxidase inhibitor called Nardil, for about three and a half weeks now. I don't think I've ever had to cope with so many stupid side effects and life changes after a med change ever in my life! I have to be on this stupid exclusion diet and if I don't stick to it, I put myself in danger of blowing my blood pressure out of all proportion, and the worst case scenario is that I could have a hypertensive crisis or possibly bleed internally. I have to avoid foods that have high levels of tyramine in it, as it is a mono-amine and since the drugs prevent my body from producing the enzyme that would normally break it down (ie, mono-amine oxidase), I have to be careful of what I eat. So I've given up all cheese, beer, red wine, vegemite, anything with soy in it (I had never realised how many foods have soy products in them - it means I spend a heck of a lot of time reading labels!), salami, yoghurt, anything made with meat extracts (such as packet soups) and have limited my intake of caffeine. I've already had one incidence of tachycardia (pulse rate above 100bpm) because I made the mistake of eating some mayonnaise which had soy in it without me realising it, and it freaked me out completely! The medication also has affected my balance so I often feel a little drunk, I fall over and run into doorways much more than I used to. I can't get a solid night's sleep - I've had several nights of only getting four hours sleep. It causes orthostatic hypotension so that if I stand up too quickly I get all light headed, my ears start ringing and I nearly faint. I feel tired pretty much all the time, I can't concentrate on anything for too long, and I feel totally and utterly useless!

On the up side (sort of) I have been feeling emotions much more than I have in ages. I think for a long time, I went through life feeling quite numb to the world, except from feeling sad. Now, I find I'm super emotional, going from happy to sad to angry to hyperactive really quickly. It's the most effect I've felt on my mood from any anti-depressant in a really long time, and I have hope that the swings will eventually settle as my brain adjusts to all the trauma I'm currently putting it through. So, I suppose it might actually be worth giving up pizza for after all!

The most frustrating thing about all of this is that it's basically put uni on hold. I can barely think straight enough to hold a coherent conversation let alone write a detailed lab report on soil analysis! Sometimes it just feels like I'm treading water, that I'm not going anywhere in my life, and I find that so scary. Most of my friends from school have finished their degrees and are working and generally having a life. Half my friends are married and starting to have babies. And here I am, single, facing the prospect of being at uni for the next flipping decade and struggling to get myself showered and dressed everyday. My life feels stagnant, like the Wyangala Dam which is slowly evaporating and forming a lovely layer of blue-green algae on top, turning a once fertile water system into a hypoxic pond of death. Ok, so maybe that analogy is a little extreme, but still... what am I doing with my life other than existing? What can I do when I have to deal with a brain that doesn't appear to function properly? Why can't I just have a normal life? The answer eludes me. If anyone else has an answer, then by all means, let me know!!

Stop Waking, O Sleeper!

2008-11-04T22:45:00.002+11:00

I have been having so much trouble sleeping. This is a relatively foreign thing for me - generally, I've always been an over sleeper, the kind of person who escapes trouble by sleeping, finds solace in the peacefulness of sleep. But oh no, not anymore! These flipping meds have put a spanner in my sleeping works about the size of an African elephant. And I am not happy about it! I average maybe 5 or so hours of sleep, some nights only getting 3 or 4, and always having lots of broken, light sleep which does pretty much nothing to alleviate my exhaustion. I need at least 8-10 hours to function, so needless to say, my functioning is a little impeded right now. In fact, I drove to Cowra yesterday, and now I feel a little stranded because I'm not sure I'll get enough sleep to be able to drive back to Sydney! Gah! This sucks! Reminds me a bit of this awesome Saboteurs song called "Consoler's of the Lonely" which is the title track of the album. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics:

Haven't had a decent meal
My brain is fried
Haven't slept a wink for real
My tongue is tied
Light bulbs are getting dim
My interest is starting to wane
I'm told it's everything a man could want
and I shouldn't complain
Conversation's getting dull
There's a constant ringing in my ears
Sense of humour's void and null
And I'm bored to tears!

Atheism Vs Christianity.... who'd have thought everyone would get so riled up?

2008-10-21T21:59:00.002+11:00

I went to a debate at uni last Thursday between a Christian and an atheist. Apart from some less than polite audience members and the fact that the theatre was packed out (and subsequently, ridiculously hot), it was really interesting.

Now, before I share my thoughts, I'd just like to say that I do not claim scholarship in these areas, and I am no expert in theism or atheism - these are only my thoughts, that is all. Please do not turn this into a forum for arguments.

Alan Conradi was the speaker for the atheist side, and considering it was his first public debate, I think he did really well. He put forward some interesting points regarding the idea that Christ is simply an amalgam of more ancient legendary figures and I was interested in the idea that he felt religion (and more specifically, Christianity) held scientific discovery back and that they were responsible for a lot of evil in the world. I wasn't really convinced by his arguments about the first point, but I could see what he was saying with the other two points. There's no denying that religion has gotten in the way of scientific discovery at various times - but science always seem to win through. And you know the old adage - hindsight is 20/20 vision! But the point is, I don't really think that that is the case these days except on ethical grounds.... but I realise this is an immensely contentious issue, and it is not something I'm interested in arguing about on this blog. And as for evil being done in the name of Christianity.... well, I think it's sadly very true. There is nothing that can excuse something as horrible as the Crusades, that's for sure. But then again, Christians are just as fallible as anyone, people with faults and evil desires - and while that is no excuse, it may go somewhere towards the reasons. Besides, there has been just as much violence done in the name of other causes, not just religious, in the past - so it is not an accusation that can be exclusively levelled at Christians. Even though I didn't agree with the majority of Alan's viewpoints, I still very much enjoyed hearing him speak and listening to his arguments.

Mike Paget was the speaker for the Christian side. Again, I think Mike spoke really well, and he put forth some interesting points. I think the most important point he made was regarding the historicity of Jesus death and resurrection. Like for Mike, the existence for God in my eyes hinges on whether Jesus was real or an elaborate fairytale. Most of you would already know where I stand on this.

I just want to say again that I really did enjoy this debate. But at the same time, I was very disappointed by some of the members of the audience who I felt were very impolite to the speakers. Considering the organisation it took to bring such an event about, and the fact that the whole idea was that BOTH sides should be listened to with equal civility and respect, it was really unseemly to see the snickering and jeering that went on through the debate. I realise that some sensibilities may have been offended by points made by the speakers, but honestly, that's a fairly poor excuse.

Taking into consideration that an hour and a half of debating is never going to be sufficient to answer all the arising questions and counter arguments, so if you are interested, you may want to follow the "aftermath" at Mike's blog and Alan's blog.

...and stuff

2008-10-15T00:12:00.002+11:00

I've started on the new meds and I have to say, I feel profoundly weird. It's like going through life underwater at the moment. I can barely hold an intelligible conversation because I lose my train of thought fairly regularly. I fluctuate between happy, sad, angry, sleepy and irritable really quickly. It's been a while since I've seen the daylight hours of morning as well... it's all a little bit, well... weird. It's made me feel a bit woozy on more than one occasion. I'm hoping the side effects will die down because it's making life a bit challenging right now. Guess that's to be expected though.

Anyway, the photo: Pete and I played our first gig on Saturday which I think went fairly well. I was pretty nervous, and so was Pete, but all things considered, we did well. The general reception seemed to be quite good, but then again, how many people would have the gall to come up to us and tell us we were crap? (It was a rhetorical question, but in case you were wondering, the answer is zero!) The performance part aside, how funny are my facials when I'm singing?!

Uni is sort of on hold at the moment while I sort my life out. I'll get back to it when I'm good and ready. For the time being, it can stay in the back seat for a bit. Maybe even the boot!

Also, I've become an anime addict. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I never liked it before, but I just can't get enough of it now! There's something wrong with me!!

Sorry for the boring post.

I KNOW!!

2008-04-01T17:53:00.008+11:00

Yes, it's true, I'm a slacker when it comes to this blog. My apologies!

So over the past few months, I've been to many things, seen many people, started back at uni and moved house. Here are some of the highlights:

Caitlyn's Hens Afternoon/Night

As tradition dictates, there must be one last hurrah for a girl before she becomes a wife. In Caitlyn's case, this involved lots of food, champagne and belly-dancing lessons at our house, followed by a dinner out at Cockle Bay.

The hens waiting for the train.

Caitlyn and Angus' wedding

We all made the trek to Gloucester to see our very good friends get hitched.

The happy couple - Mr and Mrs Falla.

Joel's farewell/21st party

We said farewell to a very good friend of ours, Mr Joel Atwood, who will be a missionary to Vanuatu for the next year. You can check up on his progress at http://vblog.atwood.id.au/.

The man of the moment, Joel.

Kimi turns 25

The lovely Kimi passed the quarter-century mark in style with a day at Bronte Beach and a surprise party.

Jimi and Kimi at Bronte - the essence of coolness.

"We love each other this much!" - Kimi and I at the surprise party which was kindly hosted by Wendy.

My baptism

I decided to take the plunge (haha... I'm so funny!) and get baptised - it was a great and special night for me where I got to publicly declare my faith in Jesus.

Victoria's 21st birthday

My lovely housemate and good friend turned 21. To celebrate the occasion, she had a barefoot bowling party at Petersham Bowling Club. It was a lovely day for everyone!

Our awesome household at Vic's party - Zoe, Vic and I.

Dubvegas

Naomi, Kimi and I drove out to Dubbo to see some friends of ours from Kioloa Beach Mission. It was a very tiring, but good, weekend!

My 26th birthday party

My lovely lovely friends, most notably Kat "Freaking Awesome" DC, decided that I was definitely not allowed to let my birthday pass by without some kind of celebration. So, they organised a party for me at my house - they organised food, entertainment and even did most of the inviting! I couldn't have asked for more!

A few snaps of the night which involved obscene amounts of food and truly amazing Singstar competitions! I have never felt so well-loved by friends!

Easter Time Conference (ETC)

Credo's answer to MYC, ETC, is held every year over the Easter long weekend. In 2008, the theme was ethics and Sam Chan gave a great series of talks which ranged from ethical theory into how to approach different areas of ethics. It was a very encouraging and mind-stretching weekend!

The music ETC team! We rock!

So that's pretty much it! I'll try and be a bit more diligent from now on!

sigh

2008-09-22T23:20:00.002+10:00

So it looks like another medication change is on the cards for the next few weeks. Can't say I'm looking forward to it. It better be worth it - I have to give up cheese (amongst other foods) to take the stupid stuff! Trial and error SUCKS! I wish it were possible to get a brain transplant. Or maybe if they could use a brain biopsy to figure out which medication I should be on. I'd even settle for a frontal lobotomy at this point.... *sigh*

must....fight....urge....to...sleep........

2008-09-01T12:17:00.002+10:00

I'm tired. All the time. It's not much fun. Everything is so hard when you're tired! I'd like to just stay in bed sleeping forever... or at least until I die or Jesus returns. I'm cool with either option.

I don't really have anything interesting to report other than I'm still quite down, but I'm trying to keep on going. It's just becoming a real challenge to keep battling to get out of bed everyday and face people and deal with stress and pretend that everything is fine. I'm getting worn out. I'd really like a reprieve from feeling like this.

Nicknames

2008-08-20T20:53:00.002+10:00

It occurred to me today that I have amassed quite a few nicknames. Here is the running list:

Katiestarr (said as one word... although it may not technically be a nickname), Kate, Starr, Starry, Star-face, Starfish, Starry one, Tater, Stu, Chicken, Worm, Squirt.

Why do I have so many?!

Study Camp 2008

2008-07-23T20:50:00.007+10:00

Study camp! Sounds like no fun, right? WRONG! It's fun, especially if you're a leader who doesn't have to study and who isn't popular as a tutor! Hurrah!

This year, our team ran the camp at Blue Gum Lodge in Springwood. We had such an awesome team, and I had a lovely time hanging out with them. The students were really cool too - Nick and myself clearly had the coolest discussion group ever with 5 funky students from lots of different parts. The talks this year were done by Stephen Liggins who went through 6 different parables from Luke's gospel as well as doing a 3 minute bit on apologetics, and in short, he did a great job. The responses from the students were generally really positive, and there were a few who decided to either look into it more or commit their lives to Christ. Very cool!

Here are some photos from the week:

Showing off some funky moves at the semi-formal - Annie, Masaki and Emily.

The lovely Kat and myself.

James and Nathan grooving away for the jazz night.

Demonstrating the "Katie Starr Salute". Nice work guys!

Dance off! This dance off went for about an hour - epic!

Liggo preaching the Word!

NickNick (aka Jack Law), my fearless co-leader. And me, of course.

Hiding Out... and Trapped (warning: yet another boring post about nothing in particular)

2008-06-27T11:37:00.004+10:00

I'm still here in Cowra, still hiding away from my normal life in Sydney. There are times when I think it may have been better to stay there though. My dad has been really sick this last couple of days, and all I can think about is how ill-equipped I am to deal with it and that I can't do much to help my mum look after him. We've all had rough nights as dad has been battling with what appears to be some kind of stomach bug. Multiple sclerosis is such a cruel and unforgiving disease, and more than that, it's so unpredictable. And it means that the normal illnesses that we all get from time to time, whether it be a cold or a bout of gastro, are always so much worse because people with MS often just don't have the greatest immune system or the mobility to look after themselves. It must suck to be an active mind trapped in a body that is just falling to pieces and which you know will only get worse. I wish I could take it all away for dad. He suffers terribly.

As for me... well I have been taking great comfort in writing songs and reading fantasy novels (sometimes it takes reading about an adventure involving Dark Elves who become possessed by some evil force and effectively become Dark Elf zombies to appreciate the goodness in having a relatively normal life!) and trying to be useful around the house. I've been cooking more since I got to Cowra than I usually do back in Sydney (mind you, while I can cook, I don't enjoy it overly) and have done a gazillion loads of washing, taken Emma to the vet, given Emma a rather fetching haircut and have been trying to work out some killer harmonies for this awesome song that Pete and I are working on (stayed tuned for that one!). Life is all about distraction at the moment. I don't feel wonderful either physically or emotionally, but I'm getting through. I just wish God didn't feel so far away at times like this...

Future Focus

2008-06-18T12:15:00.002+10:00

I'm outraged! All those sci-fi, futuristic movies taught me that the future (ie, the year 2000 onwards) would include some kind of teleportation device where you can zap yourself from one place to another in the blink of an eye. But I ask you: where is this technology, people?! Where is the future that was promised to me by Hollywood's top scientists?! Why the heck do we still need cars? In our efforts to cut down greenhouse gas emissions and reduce the risk of global warming, why are the scientists spending so much time on trying to make more efficient cars and cleaner fuels when they could be working out how to make teleportation a reality? Surely that would be a better solution to our global warming and other environmental issues because we'd eliminate the necessity of cars!

Of course, I'm just having a whinge because I have to drive to Cowra today, and the 4.5 hour drive isn't seeming all that attractive right now. :D

A lyric, a time, a crusade, a line...

2008-06-17T21:59:00.002+10:00

This is a song that to me encompasses that paradox of feelings I have at the moment where I want so much to just hide away from all the world, but long for people to tell me that they care and to be there for me at the same time. Weird, hey?

Dark, you can't come soon enough for me
Saved from one more day of misery
Everything I love, get back from me now
Everyone I love, I need you now

Don't forget a million miles from me
Safe, and another day can pass by me
Everything I love, get back from me now
Everyone I love, I need you now

Hold out for the ones you know will love you
Hide out from the ones you know will love too

Right to the edge, I'm barely there
Slow to make my move, I'm almost there
Everything I say, I say to me first
Everything I do, I do to me first

So what I lied? I lie to me too.

Tegan and Sara, Dark Come Soon

Dark Spaces

2008-06-15T22:34:00.002+10:00

It's been a rough few days. Actually, it's been a rough few weeks! No wait, make that a few months!

I've written and re-written this blog entry quite a few times. But each time, I decide that I'm saying too much, that I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve - I realise people find it hard to respond to my "dark side". But one thing I do want to share is a realisation I've made. I'm grieving, and I have been for a long time. I'm grieving for the life that I thought I would have. I've been through so much, and many times I've thought I knew where I was headed, that I had some sense of direction... and yet, I find myself now in a completely different place to where I expected I would be by the age of 26. Such is life I suppose. Perhaps I just thought that life after I got out of school (which I hated ever since my first day of kindergarten - I never understood those kids who loved school so much!) wouldn't be like this. I'm pretty sure I thought that I wouldn't still be battling with the anxiety and depression that plagued me at school, and yet here I am. It scares me. And it makes me long for the return of King Jesus to set things right again and to stop the tears from falling. For the time being, life is hard.

(PS Thanks for those people who told me they still read my blog - it was really encouraging!)

How should I feel?

2008-06-11T17:04:00.002+10:00

Lately, I've been doing a course to learn about mindfulness. I'm not going to try and explain it here, so if you're interested in knowing about it, just Google it or something. Anyway, in the process of the course, I've learned something very important about myself. I feel guilty about being depressed. Seems stupid right? Well let me invite you into the deepest recesses of my consciousness, where all rationality and logic are skewed and twisted, where grass is purple, down is up, and 2+2= puppies....

I can't complain about my life really - I've grown up in a loving family where my parents stayed together, my brothers and I usually get along, and we all love each other (as far as I'm aware anyway!). I have had the blessings of a loving home, a good education, the ability to live relatively independently (being a uni-bum can make that difficult at times), good friends, the knowledge and faith in a loving God, and the intellectual and physical capacity to do something good in my lifetime. So why do I feel so depressed? I don't know, to be honest. But the thing I have recently learned about myself is that I don't think it is RIGHT that I should be allowed the luxury to feel this sad! I look at my father who is struggling with Multiple Sclerosis which has gradually ripped away the things he loved to do. He gets down about it, but why shouldn't he? He has a shocking illness that is only going to deteriorate further for the rest of his life - that's enough to make anyone depressed, right? My mother, who faithfully and lovingly looks after Dad as he gets worse and his moods become more and more difficult to manage: she has the right to feel pretty sad too. And I see people who have been abused who live with the psychological and physical damage of that for the rest of their lives. If they have some kind of psychological illness as a result, who could blame them? When people lose a loved one and grieve for them, no one would ever question why they are so sad and can't do the normal, day to day things. Then I look at myself - blessed, loved, valued (so I've been told) by many, someone who has lived a relatively charmed life. What possible reason do I have to feel so sad? And that's what is so perplexing - I DON'T really have a reason to feel like this. It just doesn't make sense, and so I feel guilty for feeling that way, because I don't feel like I have a good enough reason to warrant it. Why should I sit around feeling sorry for myself when things are actually not that bad? Logically speaking, I shouldn't feel that way at all! But the reality is that I do, and I don't know how to reconcile myself to that fact and to just accept it. I don't just beat myself up because I don't have any self esteem (although I do do that), I also beat myself up for having this illness, that in some way, it's my fault that I'm like this, that I've chosen to walk this path (which is stupid - no one would choose this).

At this point, I'm sure many of you (hmm... do people still even read this blog anymore? Sometimes I'm not sure...) are thinking how ridiculous this all is, and I'd have to agree with you. My mind is a complex of paradoxes and nonsense logic when it comes to this sort of thing. But I know that for all my talk to others about how, "I just have this illness and I just have to deal with it the best that I can," that's not actually what I believe. I am that person who so inappropriately says to the chronically depressed person, "Snap out of it." I am the person that I claim to hate, the person I would label as ignorant and callous. (I should qualify that by saying that I would never say that to someone else with depression or any other kind of illness - the rules only apply when I am thinking of my own situation.) I don't know how to stop those two different aspects inside of me arguing over my mind until it lies on tatters on the floor, devoid of usefulness.

Yes, that's right: I'm nuts. Surprise!!

Kangaroos and all that

2008-05-25T11:58:00.002+10:00

It makes me cranky that there has been so much controversy surrounding the culling of kangaroos in the ACT. It just seems that some animal activists have completely lost sight of the big picture. They are so single minded and ignorant to the whole situation. Obviously, if the cull weren't the best course of action, they would have a point. But the fact is that it is the only option - overpopulation by any species always causes problem. Firstly, the kangaroos are damaging major amounts of other natural flora and fauna, and anyone with a working knowledge of ecology should know that that is the quickest way to cause irreversible damage - the destroying of just one species in any ecosystem can condemn the whole ecosystem to death. Secondly, if you have an over abundance of a species but not enough resources in the ecosystem to sustain them, you end up compromising the health of that species. Consider the overpopulation problems of kangaroos in other parts of the country - the kangaroos end up being unhealthy and suffering from malnutrition, and trust me, that is much more inhumane than conducting a cull, watching a population die slowly from hunger and disease. I wish people would at least consider why this is happening rather than just jumping on the "no cruelty to animal" bandwagon. It would be much worse to not conduct the cull, and the cull is being conducted in a humane way (by tranquillising, and then killing them via a lethal injection). Rant over.

Breaking Point

2008-05-11T14:53:00.002+10:00

I think I have reached mine. It's time to make some decisions about where to go from here. I'm so sick of having to go through this cycle over and over again: you pick yourself up from the bottom of the pit, you start climbing, you see the sunlight and you almost get out of it... and then you lose your footing and end up at the bottom, only to start all over again. I don't know how much more of it I can take.