Completely Woeful

My neglect of this blog is shameful, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. Since my last post, which saw the beginning of a brand-spanking-new episode of depression, I have been a bit out of the realm of normality. This time, I ended up being admitted to the Concord Centre for Mental Health for a week and a half, and have spent the last few weeks trying desperately to get back some semblance of normality in my life. God, I think, is trying to teach me patience and also to rely on Him as I stumble through this time having no idea where I may end up. Depression is eternally frustrating for me, and I'm sure it's not exactly fun-filled for those around me either. There is an underlying feeling of guilt in everything, mainly that I am unable to do the things that I want/need/should do, especially when it comes to helping others. I am disappointed that yet another semester may go by where I am no further in my studies, and feel no small amount of grief for the loss of the things I thought I would be able to achieve and succeed in this semester (and not only at uni). It all makes me wonder... can I get through this once again? What is the right balance for me between study/church/friends/family that would prevent me going down this path again? What is it about my thinking and emotional patterns that causes all this?

And the biggest question... is this the way my life is going to continue? A hard won rise in confidence coupled with motivation and energy, followed by a trip to the bottom of the well, sparking yet another arduous climb to the top? Can I break this cycle? If not, can I bear the weight of dealing with this illness for the rest of my life?

Obviously, none of these questions have simple answers. It is difficult to live with uncertainty at the best of times, for anyone, but I think for those of us who have extra hurdles to overcome, that uncertainty can be our undoing as we catastrophise the mights, the might-nots, and the what-ifs.

Needless to say I have some biggish decisions to make about my future over the next few months, but I am learning to be content to get through each day as it comes - some are better than others, and I have to just accept whichever it is each day and respond accordingly. I am trying very hard to find the good things out of each day - sometimes the good things are small victories like getting out of bed and getting dressed, sometimes they are bigger victories like making sure I get to church or Bible study. The thing I am struggling not to do is compare my own little accomplishments to those around me who aren't dealing with things like depression and who can do so much more than me. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by friends and professional support who can remind me of these things and who encourage me to take pride and satisfaction for getting done whatever I am able to. Jesus is working through these people to spur me on, to not let me give up all hope, to know that I am loved and valued regardless of my inabilities.

Anyway, some very cool things have been happening in the last few weeks too, but I shall leave that for the next post.